Peter S

**I Found My Smile**

For years I kept my emotions bottled up. I was afraid of opening up to people and being totally exposed. I used this to keep people at bay so I could never get hurt. The problem with shutting people out and keeping everything to yourself is, where do all these emotions go? This is where alcohol came to be my friend. All my fear and anxiety went away while drinking. I was able to have a therapist and a friend in alcohol. All my fears and worries I would tell to the bottle. Alcohol never judged me, never made me feel bad for who or what I am. Shutting everyone out and going steady with my best friend, alcohol, was all I needed, but I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. I was living a double life. Devoted, loving husband and father on one hand. Miserable, raging alcoholic on the other.

I couldn’t keep the charade of happiness up any longer. I hated myself and was dying on the inside. I knew I needed help so I went to Mountainside. Mountainside taught me so much I never knew about myself. Never truly knowing I suffered from anxiety issues, Mountainside taught me how to share my feelings before all the emotions boiled over and I needed to drink to simply get by.

I am slowly but surely letting people in and expressing myself, and letting my emotions out in a healthy way. So now when I wake up, I’m no longer sad and depressed. I am optimistic and blessed to know that there are people out there who actually care about and love me. I’m able to tell my wife how I feel without holding back. I’m able to tell my son that ‘Daddy loves you and will do anything for you.’ and mean it. I am able to look at myself in the mirror and able to say I am happy. My mask is off, my emotions are genuine, because they come from the heart. Thanks to my family and Mountainside, I now love life and have finally found my smile!