I Found My Smile
For years I kept my emotions bottled up. I was afraid of opening up to people and being totally exposed. I used this to keep people at bay so I could never get hurt. Shutting people out and keeping everything to yourself raises the question: where do all these emotions go? This is where alcohol came to be my friend. All my fear and anxiety went away while drinking. I was able to have a therapist and a friend in alcohol. All my fears and worries I would tell to the bottle. Alcohol never judged me, never made me feel bad for who or what I am. Shutting everyone out and going steady with my best friend, alcohol, was all I needed. But I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. I was living a double life. Devoted, loving husband and father on one hand. Miserable, raging alcoholic on the other.
I couldn’t keep the charade of happiness up any longer. I hated myself and was dying on the inside. I knew I needed help so I went to Mountainside. Mountainside taught me so much I never knew about myself. Never truly knowing I suffered from anxiety issues, Mountainside taught me how to share my feelings before all the emotions boiled over and I needed to drink to simply get by.
I am slowly, but surely, letting people in, expressing myself, and letting my emotions out in a healthy way. Now when I wake up, I’m no longer sad and depressed. I am optimistic and blessed to know that there are people out there who actually care about and love me. I’m able to tell my wife how I feel without holding back. I’m able to tell my son that “Daddy loves you and will do anything for you,” and mean it. I am able to look at myself in the mirror and say I am happy. My mask is off, my emotions are genuine, because they come from the heart. Thanks to my family and Mountainside, I now love life and have finally found my smile!