Dear Addiction, My Love

Saying goodbye is hard to do, even when you know you have to. Mountainside alum, Sanam M., is sharing a powerful letter he wrote to his old love—his addiction.

Dear Addiction, my love,

I have learned that the hardest thing to do in life is to say goodbye. This includes all relationships—people, pets, or things we get attached to. With you, I wasn’t attached, but was in love, and thought we would live happily ever after. We have been through thick and thin together. This started off with plenty of happy moments, like the first time I experienced getting high or drunk. There came a point where I thought I would never have to part with you. But now it is time to say goodbye.

When you first came into my life, I believed that you would help me ease all the pain I was going through. And that my traumatic childhood experiences would disappear. Things started to change. You became the hardest relationship I have ever had to experience. You started to take more than you gave. In fact, you stopped giving anything at all. You took almost everything away from me—my job, my family, my friends, and my happiness.

You have become incredibly cruel and a tremendous liar. Many times, I believed things were starting to look up; you—being vindictive—did everything in your power to pull me down. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get away from you. You robbed me of my independence and freedom. You changed me.

I know I have to leave you.  I am making the decision to leave you now. I am deciding that I have had enough of you. I was too scared to leave you before, and had great anxiety and fear about what my life might look like without you. But by getting on the path of recovery, I have seen another world, which is not perfect but more alive and filled with feelings, connections, and experiences. This is the world we are born for, as humans.

I know this may sound abrupt, like this is coming out of nowhere, but it is imperative for me to sustain myself. This has nothing to do with if I am stronger than you, or better than you, or vice-versa. In order for me to walk my choice of path in life, I need to end this toxic relationship now. I know I won’t be able to have anything positive in my life while we are together. I am saying goodbye. I never want to see you again.

I will pray to god to give you peace, mindfulness, and courage to stop your path of destruction in the lives of others, but as for me, I am done. I am out. I am moving on and forward with my life.

-Sanam