Do you ever have those moments where something becomes so clear that you physically just pause, and sit with the thought for a moment? You begin reflecting on what you just uncovered to take it in and let it be absorbed. I love those moments. Those are the flickers of light that are essential for my growth.
Over the last month, these moments came often. I believe it was because I was living in a space that felt dim. I had been reflecting on the past and was fearful of the future. That place can bring me to a crossroads: either do nothing or choose to grow.
A few weeks ago, I was walking around TJ Maxx looking at all the beautiful home décor. I began to contemplate decorating my apartment. I have been living in my home for over a year and half now. My walls are bare, and the space is void of any decorations. I tell myself stories like, “I am never home, so why should I spend the money? I plan on moving. Those things don’t matter to me.” But is that the truth?
I was on the phone with a friend talking about commitment and what that really means. We spoke about my almost two-year journey of being single and having an apartment that didn’t feel like a home. Through that conversation a theme was emerging, a pattern that I have been recreating in my life repeatedly. I immediately began thinking about my early recovery.
When I left Mountainside, I moved into a sober house. I brought my things to my room and never unpacked. It was like a piece of me didn’t want to stay. I knew that if I placed them in the dresser that would mean that I was surrendering. I was admitting that I needed to be in that house and get well. Needless to say, my lack of commitment led to my relapsing.
The truth is if I decorate, buy things and begin to really make my house a home, then I am making a commitment to stay. I realized that I am barely home because being alone can lead to feelings of loneliness. I am still running away from myself, and not having a cozy place to rest provides me an excuse to avoid sitting with me. If I decide to commit, then I am taking away my ability to just step out the front door and disappear. But it is time for me to stop running. It is time for me to take action and get over my fear of commitment to create a space that makes me happy – a space that makes me feel good. So, at the request of my friend, I pulled out my calendar and marked down a day to start the decorating process. I have the ability to make something that reflects my beauty – something that is all mine. And I am excited about the final transformation.
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