I want to box. I want to write. I want to do yoga. I want to recover. I want to help others do the same. I want to sign up for school. I want to be a member of Equinox because I deserve nice things, not because other people are. I want a savings account so I feel safe. I want to fix my disgusting teeth. I want to try and save my hair. I want a therapist. I want to get over my childhood, teenage years, and my twenties. I want to be honorable. I want to be loved. I want to love myself. I want to figure this out. I have a chance and I shouldn’t. I don’t want to hurt one more person nor be called a liar when I was telling the truth but got owned by my addiction and couldn’t keep my word. I want to find out who I am. I want to be sober. I want to be alive.
I’m 26. I’m scared. Please, whatever is out there, help me. Please. I’m in too much pain always. I’ll do the work if you put it in front of me. I’ll always say yes to the harder path because what seemed easier has my finger on the trigger ready to pull. One last time, please, if there is anything out there, help me. Help me be okay. Whatever the that is.