Love and Recovery: What You Should Know When Looking for a Relationship

This is often a difficult question and sometimes one of the most common questions people ask who are looking to embark on intimate relationships while in recovery. There are no hard and fast rules to answering this question, other than one must understand that the more comfortable one feels with themselves in recovery, the better they will be prepared to introduce others into their lives. Understanding oneself first helps build a better foundation from which other relationships can hopefully prosper.

One would think that it would be beneficial or easier to seek someone else out in recovery. The pros and cons have to be weighed here. Not everyone who has abstained from drugs or alcohol is in a good spot in recovery. Some people may not be working a good program, or may have other agendas or issues related to codependency and not being able to successfully manage loneliness. If you are considering a relationship with someone else in recovery, make sure you are first in a good place, and make sure that the other person does not have other “hidden” agendas. If you end up dating or being with someone in recovery, make sure you each prioritize your recovery and do not “blend into” each other, but make sure each of you can commit to your daily commitments and stay sober.

Trust, honesty, and integrity are some basic values. Avoid common pitfalls such as dating people who recently relapsed, or those who have not been working a good recovery program. You want to avoid people who recently relapsed because they need to focus on their program, and will probably not be so focused on building relationships outside themselves. Maintaining sobriety can be a selfish endeavor, and sometimes for good reasons!

This is always a difficult question and there really is not an ideal set time in which one should share their past history of treatment or addiction. You will feel and know when the right time has come, and usually a better time is after you have met several times and established a basic sense of trust and feel comfortable sharing this information.

Places that do not jeopardize personal recovery are places where one can go to explore other relationships. It would be more prudent to consider meeting someone in a sober setting rather than a bar or place where drugs or alcohol are in close proximity. Always secure your sobriety first, never putting yourself in danger, even when trying to meet other people.

Open communication, not hiding secrets, being transparent, and having a two-way dialogue about the new experience and journey together can really help bridge the gap and alleviate anxiety. If anxiety becomes overwhelming, it’s also a good idea to get it checked out and speak to a therapist or psychiatrist for a second opinion. Talking about fears and anxiety in your 12-step program can also help and make the transition much easier!